Anti-queer behaviour—including homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny—harms everyone, not just those it directly targets. As an ally, how you respond matters.
Whether it’s a harmful comment, a slur, or casual discrimination, your words and actions can help shift the culture toward safety, inclusion, and respect. This guide offers strategies for responding in ways that uplift queer people while promoting dialogue, learning, and accountability.
Stay Calm and Composed
When confronted with anti-queer speech or actions:
-
Avoid Escalation: Stay calm, even when the remarks are offensive or hurtful.
-
Pause and Breathe: Take a moment before responding. Ground yourself and speak with intention.
Challenge the Behaviour, Not the Person
-
Focus on the Action:
Say “That comment is hurtful” instead of “You’re homophobic.” -
Use “I” Statements:
For example, “I find that offensive” or “I don’t agree with that.”
This avoids defensiveness and invites reflection instead of shame.
Educate and Provide Alternatives
-
Ask Questions:
“What do you mean by that?” or “Have you thought about how that might affect someone?” -
Use Facts:
Talk about how queerness isn’t a choice, and the discrimination queer people face. -
Share Resources:
Offer videos, books, or articles. Education helps, but it’s not your job to fix others. Share when it feels safe and appropriate.
Use Humor Carefully
-
Lighten, Don’t Harm:
A gentle joke can defuse tension, like “Wow, haven’t heard that opinion since 1995!”
But never use humor that mocks queer people or minimizes their identities.
Set Boundaries
-
Reject Hate Speech:
Say clearly: “That language isn’t okay with me.” -
Limit Engagement:
“I’m not comfortable with this conversation.”
“I’d rather not be around this kind of talk.”
Clear, calm boundary-setting models values without aggression.
Support Queer People Around You
-
Check In Privately:
“That wasn’t okay—how are you feeling?”
Let queer friends or coworkers know they’re not alone. -
Direct Them to Safe Spaces:
Connect them to support groups, mental health services, or affirming community spaces.
Address the Behaviour Privately (When Appropriate)
-
Have a One-on-One Chat:
Some people respond better in private, where they’re less defensive. -
Lead with Empathy:
“I know you might not have meant it that way, but here’s how it landed…”
This can foster deeper understanding without shaming.
Know When to Walk Away
-
Not Every Battle Is Yours:
If someone is aggressive or refuses to listen, disengage.
“I’m not going to have this conversation” is a valid response. -
Protect Your Energy:
Being an ally doesn’t mean being everywhere all the time. Step away, recharge, seek support.
Download the PDF version of this guide below.
